Be thou my vision,
Be thou my strength,
Be thou my voice,
Because, man, if you aren't, I really don't know where it's going to come from. =/

"The thing we are trying to get away from, God is calling us back towards." - from a bible study at Mark West



These days, I'm fond of drenching myself with fancy water bottles. Not only does it help get the soy-sauce stains out of the sofa seat, but it provides entertainment to everyone within a ten-metre radius. It's also amusing sitting there in a puddle of ice-cold water, as it wells up at my absorbent buttocks and drips to a reservoir at my feet.

I weigh 120 pounds: mothers commonly look at my bony wrists and tell me to eat more; I have a black-belt in Karate, but I've been bullied, pinched and chased my whole life. In grade 6, Dylan Zatylny angrily chased me for so long through the snow-dunes in our school's big field that I gave up any possibility of making it to a washroom.

I remember when I last sat in a puddle of ice-water, as it welled at my waterproof buttocks and soaked my feet. I couldn't row our canoe anymore; my body was shivering too much. The still-frame moment as I reached too far out of our boat and as the disbelief of my friend welled up on her face was only starting to register in my mind. As we were finally dragged to the shore of Crimson Lake, I hastened to stand up. The water which had collected inside my waterproof pants gushed out and overflowed my shoes. I glanced apologetically to my similarly drenched mentor, Kim, and trudged off to the showers. I would proceed to tip two more canoes in the next year. Right, so I should be used to being soaked.

When I met God on the campus of the University of Alberta, I didn't have much confidence in myself. I stuttered when I talked, and I spent many a night thinking how my conversations could have gone if only I had said this or that. But for some reason, God called me out of mediocrity and into leadership. He called me, slowly, out of an anxiety about how I looked to others, and into a place where I could accept myself as a person full of flaws and yet containing some strengths as well. I remember vividly the nerve-wracking time of leading my first bible study, of climbing up and down the stairs of our residence inviting random people to a bible study (stuttering the whole time, because I was nervous), of  being a gameshow helper in front of thirty people without a plan. I've no idea why I agreed to do so many things that scared me out of my wits, but I get the vague feeling it was good for me. By the end of four years, I had confidence in myself; I was comfortable with my surroundings.

I sense that the whole time, I'd been running away from my insecurities. I'm glad that I found a community that loved me and made me feel special in Edmonton.
Now, I feel that the whole process is repeating itself again. Once again I'm in unfamiliar territory. Once again, I feel that I am, in some ways, ineffective at talking to people. I feel like people ought to notice that the (co)president of IVCF-MRU lacks a compelling vision to draw people with. But though I'm back at the beginning, I've been armed with a new thought, a weapon unto itself. I now know that God is the provider of my strength; I want to pray more often for his Spirit to be with me, strengthening my hands and my voice. From the shores of Crimson Lake to the depth of 24-ounce puddles, I know that God has been at work in me.

Do you love your Jesus with all your heart? (call)
Yes, I love my Jesus with all my heart! (response)

We sang these words like little Ukrainian children today. As the energetic Ukrainian missions team sang the call, they cupped their ears, waiting for a response. And we would reply in song with the words of lovers' confession. I sang it too, at first bashfully. And then I sang it again, more honestly, a little more joyfully. And then I sang it again, more joyfully and triumphantly. I could feel something loosening somewhere; for but a moment, I was a child again.
As I leaned intently on the glass table in the modern marble-and-wood kitchen, staring at a grade 11's math problems, I felt the deep satisfaction that came with offering my knowledge to him. I described ourselves as people looking for the right tools to solve the problems we were given. Perhaps we would try factoring this problem; or, if that didn't work, we would apply the quadratic formula.
I want to offer everything I can to him, in a situation where he is alone in a new country, living with a man (his dad's friend) who is recently divorced. He has understood that his new guardian works long hours and stays out late with friends, so he cooks instant noodles as supper for the seventh time this week. Today, he told me he woke up to the wonders of seeing his first snowfall on the ground. It was really a light frost, but to a child raised in urban Hong Kong, the difference in appearance is perhaps not as obvious.

[For the record, I also have a lot of words from China I haven't posted yet. The downfall of my personality is that I tend to start, but not finish things. I feel obliged to share some of the things I've learned over this summer, yet I seem to have some trouble with it.]

Today was our first day of orientation at Mt. Royal University. It was really fun! Among the highlights, we had an inspirational speech from an alumni who had gone on to become a radio show host, and had risen above the 10th percentile for public speaking skill (rating system unknown). He had been born without arms due to a common morning sickness pill popular in the past. As a result, he shared with us many personal stories of his own difficulties which tied into his message of how to have an attitude of optimism and perseverance in pursuing the future.

I heard many times today that good grades are nice, particularly for post-graduate work, but what is remembered is the way in which our times at university have changed out outlook on life. I believe this too, and perhaps at this school with a more relational faculty and atmosphere, people will actually study that way.

Also, a bit of sharpening of my passions: I see that I haven't read as much important literature as many of my peers, but what struck me to my heart was when a certain professor started talking about how our studies in English would increase our ability for expression. I like expressing myself, in writing and in speech!

I met a girl named Renée today (spelling approximated.) She seemed very kindhearted and warm, so our conversation arose very naturally. This happened several hours after I had prayed for God to bring me a fellow Christian.

Renée: What is that?
Gary: It's some sort of blueberry cake.
Renée: Oh, I was eyeing it; almost took one myself.
Gary: Yeah, it's good. *munch*
Renée: I don't really like blueberries though.
Gary: Oh, really.

Gary: So you're going into psychology, right?
Renée: Yup. And you're going into English?
Gary: Yeah!
Renée: What are you going to do with it?
Gary: [face grows hot] Well, actually, I want to become a sort of christian minister... yeah, I know it's kind of off in left field.
Renée: Oh, that's cool! What kind of minister?
Gary: A campus minister who helps university students!
Renée: Wow! Actually, I was raised in a Christian family.
Gary: Oh cool, so your mom and dad were Christian.
Renée: Yeah.
            Are your parents Christian too?
Gary: Actually, I became Christian in my second year of university. I sometimes have issues with people who
         grow up in the church.
Renée: It's cool that you found your faith by yourself. I actually decided the beliefs were not for me.
Gary: Ah, I understand. Did you go to church a lot when you were younger?
Renée: I went on and off...

I think our whole table was listening to our conversation, because previously I had talked about how I spent 3 years at UA studying mechanical engineering. But I don't mind being an anomaly.

Almost concurrently, a few nights ago, C.S. Lewis said in Mere Christianity that someone who leaves the church, as long as it is not to further a grudge against his/her parents but because of his/her own beliefs, is closer to Christ for it. I find this hard to understand, but I realize that Christ also forsook the physical church building in Jerusalem because its inhabitants were far from God relationally.
---

That afternoon, while driving home in my new BMW (a constant reminder of how spoiled I am, to the point where I feel embarrassed), a listener requested my current favourite song on Shine FM. I decided to pump the volume and sing along:

What do I even know of you, who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood, but the soil of your ocean?
Are you fire, are you fury,
Are you sacred, are you beautiful?